I never thought I would be writing this post and I know a lot of people say they never thought it would happen to them but Jonny and I weren’t even planning on having another baby. We thought we were done with it all. Nature didn’t have that as our plan though. I was diagnosed with a kidney infection. That’s all we thought it was. That’s all the GP thought it was. I felt so ill and was in so much pain in the lower part of my stomach but it just kept getting worse. There was talk of an ectopic pregnancy once, the GP’s test was negative so that was soon forgotten about. Until I took a home test and there was 2 lines, Faint but they were there all the same. No different to the tests I took for Cleo. The shock of seeing a positive pregnancy test when not only was I on the pill but we hadn’t planned on having another baby. For some reason, I hadn’t even thought about the pain or how ill I felt. It was like there was nothing wrong with me until I started to bleed and the pain increased.
A phone call to 111, a 4 hour trip to the A&E department and then hours more waiting in other departments in the hospital. The cannula that I was dreading, the one thing that reminded me of my birth trauma from Cleo’s birth. It’s just one of those things I remember so vividly. We waited and waited for blood test results to be told that my HCG levels were low, I still was told to visit the early pregnancy unit the next day though. I didn’t know what to expect or how to feel.
The dreaded maternity department of my local hospital. The corridor that consists of the scanning department, birth suite and the post delivery ward. The corridor that sparks by anxiety attacks and now I’ve got to endure walking down there for an even more heart-breaking reason. This place just isn’t the place for me.
One embarrassing internal scan later and even more blood tests, confirm that they HCG level which should be going down were in fact rising.
The news that our baby wouldn’t survive but my body didn’t want to let go.
I was up and down from that hospital for the rest of the week and then the following Wednesday. Blood test after blood test, meeting after meeting with the midwife that would give us nothing but heart breaking news.
Until I was told that my HCG was back to negative. The news that I didn’t know how to react to. Glad my trips up to the hospital are over but broken that our baby had gone. As I write this a week on from this news, I still don’t know how to react. I don’t think I will ever process this, the whole experience.
We went from not planning a baby, to a positive test, to heart-break in such a small space of time.
Maybe soon I will write a post more about my guilt and grief and just sheer heart-break and confusing feelings surrounding losing a baby when you haven’t planned one but at the moment I need to get my head round what has exactly happen to us.