*Trigger Warning – this post talks about mental health and miscarriage*
As I am writing this it is Mental Health Awareness Week. I am seeing so many people post their stories and journeys on social media that I thought I would do the same.
This post will be one that I share over and over again and people will probably get sick of seeing it but Mental Health doesn’t just matter when it is the awareness week. These 7 days just enable people to be brave and speak up which is incredible. The more we talk about MH the better. Personally talking about it has always helped me.
So I will start with my diagnosis. Let’s get that out of the way. Since 2017, I have been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, Post Natal Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is quite a list.
Now let’s talk about why.
Back in 2017, I gave birth to Cleo. I had a tough pregnancy and I ended up being induced which turned in to a Cat 1 crash c-section. This basically means that mine and Cleo’s lives were in danger so they had to knock me out and get Cleo out asap. It was all very dramatic to say the least. When I came round, I felt like I had been hit by a train. Emotionally, mentally and physically. To be honest, my first thought was not that list of mental health conditions. For a little while, I put it down to having a 2 year old and a newborn and recovering from a c-section. That in itself is enough to make someone not feel like themselves.
A few days went by and the feeling just wouldn’t shift. It was how other people describe as a black cloud that covers your head. The moment that I realised that something wasn’t right was the day that Cleo had to have her heel prick at the hospital. It was a Saturday and the midwife didn’t come to the house at the weekend so we had to venture to the hospital.
I remember vividly as if it was yesterday. Cleo was in her car seat and in my local hospital the maternity department is down a long corridor. I stood at the end of the corridor and my legs just wouldn’t take me down. The delivery suite was one place that I couldn’t even bare to look at and the whole situation ended in me having a panic attack and the midwife telling me that I needed to get a emergency appointment to speak to her.
Fast forward to seeing the GP and she told me that she was sure that it was PND and PTSD. Not something that I ever thought my GP would tell me. I ended up being on antidepressants. It was hard to understand that having a baby made me feel like this and even know it is hard to describe how I felt. I didn’t feel like myself, I felt hopeless, sad but for no reason and I just couldn’t shake the feeling off. I couldn’t sleep, I was exhausted.
I had already started this blog before all this happened so I had somewhere to write down my thoughts and how I felt. I have always felt better speaking my mind and what I am thinking. I’ve always found it to be a good coping mechanism for me.
Fast forward 18 months and I find out that me and Jonny sadly lost a baby. I didn’t expect it. I guess no one does. Once again it hit me like a train. It seems MH does hit you like that and most of the time it is when you least expect it. Having a miscarriage hit me hard. Before I really even had time to process it all and comes to terms with it, we found out we were expecting Brody.
It all happened very very fast. Brody’s pregnancy was fueled by hospital admissions and Hyperemisis medication. I suffered with HG my whole pregnancy and still to this day I don’t know how I survived the pregnancy. I also developed sepsis and I was in hospital countless times. Before Brody’s birth, I had to go through therapy and I even got to view the operating theatre before his c-section to desensitise myself to the environment. Brody’s birth was actually a Cat 2/3 c-section, he came a week before my elective section.
My MH hasn’t been too bad since Brody’s birth. I am still on my medication and I have had down days. My health visitor has been incredible and checks on me regularly. I feel ok. It is all a lot to process over nearly 3 years.
It hasn’t been easy and some days I can’t believe that I went through all of that and I am still here and strong. Talking about it helps a lot and I will always tell people to speak out about MH. It is so important and you never know who you might also help my talking. We are all in this together and even though it can be a long journey, we will get there and everything will be ok!
For help and support contact: Mind they are an incredible Mental Health Charity!