2020 – The Year The Nearly Broke Me.

I know I am posting this in the middle of December and not the end and I know people would say that there is still time but who really wants to reflect on a bad year over the Christmas period?!

At the beginning of this year, I wrote 2 blog posts. One post was The Heartbreak of 2019 and the other was Who Am I In 2020.

Both of these post were written with me thinking that 2020 would be a better year then our 2019.

In 2019, I went through a lot. Somethings haven’t been spoken about on my blog because it is so raw. We lost a baby at 7 weeks, my grandad passed away, I got pregnant again and was so poorly for the whole pregnancy and my experience of domestic abuse by a family member came to a very traumatic end. The last point is something I am yet to talk about but I want to make sure that I write it perfectly and in a way that can help other people.

Now I thought that 2020 would be my year. I thought things were finally on the up and I can imagine that a lot of people had the same thoughts.

Everyone is aware about the pandemic. It has been a rough year, just because of that. Coronavirus has messed so many things up and lives have been turned upside down. Just before lockdown hit, Jonny’s grandad passed away after being poorly for some time and it was a really hard time. Covid then came along and the anxiety around that started. Lockdown was hard. Jonny was self employed at this point in time so we had no choice but to claim universal credit and it wasn’t the nicest experience.

Jonny was off work for just over 3 months. It was tough, it really does push your relationship. Being in a house with someone 24 hours a day is hard plus the extra stress of covid and finances didn’t help.

Our 2020 has also been the year that we have finally started to get a diagnosis for Cleo. So far she has a diagnosis of ASD, GDD and speech delay. Once again, this has been really hard and hospital appointments have been odd due to the pandemic. We are very very slowly getting there and I will keep everyone updated with our ASD Journey blog posts. Cleo did get her Baby Sula kitten though which I think has really helped her. Her sleeping is still very bad though and at times we really struggle.

Over the last few months, it has got even worse. My mental health has taken a huge hit. I am currently going through therapy for abuse and we have had a tough time as a family. Firstly, Jonny and I experienced Covid and it wasn’t pleasant. My Great Nan had a stroke and passed away 7 weeks later and we have also had a family member who has had a diagnosis of a tumor which we are still finding out about. These last few months, it seems like everything has come at once.

My mental health has been hit bad. I don’t know if it is the last year or just everything catching up with me but I feel like I have hit a wall with it and I know that I need to speak to my GP. I will get there and I would say that 2021 will be my year.

That is hard to say that because we just don’t know what is going to happen. No one does and that is the hardest part of all of this.