Tw – this post talks about miscarriage so do not read if this post will upset or trigger you.
2 years on since we lost you – Baby Fisher – 13/01/2019
“You are near, even if I don’t see you. You are with me, even if you are far away. You are in my heart, in my thoughts, in my life, always.” — Unknown
But 2 years on, how do I actually feel?
I feel ok. I will never feel any more than that about losing our baby. In my last post, I said that time was a healer but I don’t feel like that is true. I don’t feel more healed now than I did a year ago. It might be that so much has happened in a year that I haven’t even had time to think about it.
Lately, I have been thinking ‘what if’. Who would they have been and what would they have actually looked like. Both Jonny and I were convinced that it was a boy. It feels strange because I think about the what ifs and I wonder who they would have been but we now have Brody. I got pregnant only a month or so after losing our baby and even thinking about it now, it probably wasn’t even that long. Brody is a baby that we thought we would never have. After Cleo’s traumatic entrance in to this world and the miscarriage, to be honest, I thought I was done with pregnancy. Apparently not.
No one will ever replace the baby that we lost. Brody is not a replacement for the little one that we never got to meet. The baby that we lost will always been our what if and I think about it alot. I think most people would.
Just as I was getting my head round being pregnant again, it was over.
2 years on and I still think about Baby Fisher and I like to think that he is somewhere with all those other family members that have passed. It’s a comfort in some way.
I have my Aching Arms bear now so today I will give that a cuddle and a kiss and pretend that is the baby Fisher that we never got to meet.