Trigger warning – abuse
*takes deep breath* This isn’t something I have spoken about before so here goes. My Domestic Violence experience.
I am not sure how much detail I am going to go in to just yet but I think it is time for me to talk about this part of my life. Mostly to help myself, this is the place for me to dump all my thoughts and as you can imagine, this is something that is always on my mind.
I don’t even know where to begin. I guess telling you who, when and how is the best place to start.
My abuse was from my Dad. Yep, my Dad.
I really don’t like calling him that.
I can remember it from a young age but it got really bad when I was 12/13 years old. My teenage years were really bad.
And how? Well violence, hitting, smacking, punching, threats, control, just general horrible behaviour.
From a young age, I can remember my Dad being violent to my Mum. Hitting, shouting, pushing her about and controlling every single aspect of her life. I remember putting my hands over my ears and shouting ‘stop’.
Only he didn’t stop. For years and years, we just lived with his behaviour.
In my teenage years, the violence and the abuse got bad. My Dad controlled everything. He didn’t seem to want me to better myself and anytime I tried he would get violent.
I remember being punched and hit very hard when I was around 14/15 years old. He threatened to kill me on more than one occasion. I was a teenager and my Dad told me he wanted me to die.
This abuse carried on but you would think that it would stop when I became pregnant when I was 19 years old.
How wrong I was to think that.
My dad hit me when I was pregnant with Elsa. He punched me in the face in public. We were miles away from home but I walked off and called Jonny. He was there ASAP and helped me.
I thought it was a one off. Again I was wrong.
I wasn’t hit when I was pregnant with Cleo but he was threatening to me.
My pregnancy with Brody had the worst experience and the last time he ever did anything. I was recovering from sepsis and was 28 weeks pregnant with Brody. I was struggling with Hyperemesis.
I found out that my Dad was being violent and was abusing and hitting my Mum. He punched her in the throat.
I checked on my Mum and my Dad came home while we were there. He attacked me and tried to kill me.
He wished me dead and told me that he was going to kill me.
He told his pregnant daughter that he was going to kill her and he wanted her dead.
He lunged towards me and lost his balance.
Police and ambulance were called. I told them about the abuse and they were there to help us. I have never been so scared.
I remember shaking and having a panic attack.
At the time, I was having counselling for PTSD from Cleo’s birth. The attack from my Dad messed that up and I never finished my therapy.
I now have PTSD from my abuse and violence from my Dad.
My own Dad.
I will very understand why he did it and we have found out so much since trying to get through this. It has been hard. Harder than I ever imagined.
We are getting there. Counselling and time is helping.
My relationship with my Mum is amazing. We are helping rebuild her life after Dad.
My siblings are ok. Counselling is helping.
I guess I am writing this post to let anyone know that is going through this or had gone through this that is going to be ok. It is tough, I still struggle even now. I’m 26 and was still experiencing abuse 18 months ago so it still happens even when you are an adult and not living at home.
You are not alone. Speak to someone if you are going through this! Speak up! It will be ok.
I’ll write another post soon that goes in to more detail about afterwards. The recovery for us ❤