There is a trigger warning for this post.
There is a quote that I heard a few months ago and it really resonated with me.
“What is grief if not love persevering?”
This quote is from Wandavision and even though I haven’t watched it myself, I completely understand the quote and it hits me right in the chest. The reason we grieve is because we love that person and even though their life has ended, the love we have for them hasn’t.
That is the perfect way to describe the grief and heartache after losing a baby. You think about a new life, dreams and aspirations for your family and then it is taken away from you. Just like that. The new life ended before it even begun but the love you have for that new life doesn’t stop. The love perseveres regardless of grief.
We lost a baby back at the beginning of 2019. My Grandad was dying then too so my life was surrounded in grief and dealing with death. We weren’t planning another baby and that was the thing that messed so much with my mind. I was grieving for someone I didn’t realise was going to be in my life. Just because the pregnancy wasn’t planned didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt. I was broken.
Even now, it is almost 3 years. Sometimes I still can’t get my head around it. I have the most amazing children. I have 3 children. When really I should have 4. One is just not on earth with us.
I’m not a religious person. I believe in spirits and energies. Not so much heaven and hell. I would like to think that somewhere my Nan is with my baby. It is a comforting thought, one to help with the grieving process.
Alot has changed since 2019. I have my rainbow baby. He will never be a replacement for the baby we lost. He’s the rainbow after the storm.
I still sit and think should we give the baby a name? Instead of just baby Fisher? The baby we lost? The baby I carried but never got to meet. To this day we still think it was a boy. Maybe it is time to give the baby a name, create a memorial, have somewhere to remember our baby in heaven.
Baby loss awareness week will always be hard. This week shows that amount of families with babies that are no longer here. Babies to precious for this earth.
The 13th of January 2019 will always hold a special place in my heart. Our baby will always have a special place in my heart.
Read my other posts about baby loss: