Trigger Warning – Abuse
I’ve started to talk more and more about my childhood trauma and the abuse that I experienced from my Father.
I wen through abused for 24 years of my life. Even through all of my pregnancies, I was physically abused. When I wasn’t living in the same house as him, it would still happen. Almost 4 years ago, he attacked me while I was pregnant with my youngest. It is something that I have never really gone into detail about. I guess, I have never felt ready to share the story. The past 4 years have been hard. My mental health took a massive hit when this happened. I went though therapy, councilling and EMDR to try and help. In a way it did but I think that part of my recovery from it was time. I just needed time. They do say that time is a healer.
I didn’t realise how very true this was until this week. I saw my Father and for the first time ever, I didn’t feel like running away or hiding. I didn’t feel my fight or flight kick in. I didn’t feel the need to run and cry. It felt good to just laugh. I saw him, laughed and stuck my middle finger up. It felt like I was getting my power back.
For the first time, he didn’t have power over me. I wasn’t just going to disappear. I stood up for myself and in a little way, I stood up to him. He normally would see me be scared and run away. This time, I stood my ground and it felt good. I was shaking after it happened. I can only guess due to aderaline. My brain couldn’t believe that I did it. I was no longer scared.
I guess this is all part of the healing process. Being able to live my life without the worry of seeing the person that abused me for 24 years of my life. To say, I have been through alot to get here is an understatement. There is no denying that the past almost 4 years have at points, been hell.
I have always wondered if there would ever be a point in my life that I would be able to live without fear of seeing him and if I did see him then I could just live my life. I want to be able to just ignore him and pretend that he doesn’t exist. One day that might happen but so far, I have come sucha long way. I didn’t ever expect to get this far.
Read my other blog posts about abuse from a parent:
WHY DOES TRAUMA WORK IN ODD WAYS?
THE NEXT STEP IN GETTING OVER ABUSE FROM A PARENT
ABUSE FROM A PARENT – MY EXPERIENCE