This is a collaboration post. I’m an not getting a divorce.
Divorce is never easy, regardless of how much you might want to end a marriage. If there are children involved, it can become more difficult, as every decision you may is more fraught and have a wider impact than if you were alone. You want to make sure that you’re able to maintain your relationship with your children and get the best outcome for them. To do that, you should be aware of the mistakes that you should avoid along the way.
Don’t avoid addressing it
Divorce is still treated as something of a taboo in modern society, despite how much more common it has become and there’s no denying that it can come with some sense of shame. Parents can transfer these feelings onto their children, making it an open secret that the family is going through a transition, but never talking about it. This can be very emotionally harmful. You should talk to your children about the divorce, and let them express their emotions freely. Their emotions and how they express them aren’t always going to be pretty, but it’s healthier to express them and move on than to let them stew unaddressed.
Ensure they’re in the right place
You need to consider seriously what parenting arrangements are the best for your child. A lot of parents might look for full custody simply as a means to deprive their partner, but others will look for it because they think it’s truly the safest and best option for their children. Think about which is the reality for you, and talk to a lawyer about who gets custody of children in a divorce. You may be able to come to an agreement on parental arrangements with your partner and, if not, you should start working on having the judge draw such arrangements up, instead. Be willing to play ball, or be ready to show evidence of why you’re fit for full custody.
Don’t get them involved
Parents can often lean on the love of their children to help them get through a tough time, but you shouldn’t lean on them for support. Children are not equipped to deal with the emotions and difficulties that come from a distinctly adult disagreement. You should avoid looking to them for advice, avoid venting to them about the divorce, and don’t encourage them to pick sides or to see the other parent in a different light.
Get support for your children
If your children are old enough to understand what is going on, then they are going to be impacted emotionally and mentally by the divorce. Be sure to assuage any guilt or concerns they have of their own fault in the divorce, and focus on their wellness and emotional well-being. This might mean spending more time on them or finding someone they can talk to, for instance. Extra attention might be necessary in the event of an abusive relationship or parental neglect, as well.
The simple reality is that no child is going to go through a divorce unaffected by it. It’s a big change for the whole family, but you can ensure they’re getting the support and care they need.
The Coastal Mummy 